Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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