I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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