the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
