I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
