Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
