Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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