You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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