if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
