I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
