I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
