I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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