she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
