New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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