I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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