My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
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In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
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I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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