the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
