I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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