Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
