soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
