I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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