Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
