I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
