i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
