some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
