i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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