On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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