he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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