I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
