I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
