Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
