Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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