I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?