Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious