I didn't shave. On purpose
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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