It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wish i was in the wii world.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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