we have officially lost it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
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the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
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I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.