please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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