im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
