I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
