I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
