One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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