AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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