i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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