You're a womanizer and a bitch.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He kissed a someone with a penis
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
this hospital has no fireball
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
