Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
