omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
