I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Damn victory sex feels great
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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