Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
