Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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