I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
