he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize