Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
