Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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