is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
