I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
