my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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