trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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