Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
