So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
