her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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