My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
