I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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