I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
