My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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