What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
