They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
