Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
